The Arrow

There are no answers; only choices.

Archive for March 27th, 2008

Waterfall

Posted by thearrow on March 27, 2008

It’s Thursday night again… And, again, I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. And it’s less and less about work, and more and more about my future. I feel like I’m floating on a huge, calm river, which is moving with an irrepressible force, and that soon everything will disappear in a huge waterfall. Everything I’ve worked so hard at building in the past few years will be swallowed and turned to nothingness. I feel and enjoy the lull of floating comfortably on this mass of water while the clock is ticking in my head. I have that overwhelming sensation that no matter what I try, it’s not working. I can’t say I’m trying very hard, but I feel like I’m in a dream, when you want to scream and you can’t. The disaster just unfolds before your eyes, repeatedly, every waking minute, and you are overpowered by paralysis but also by some strange sense of relief. Or maybe it’s just being tired and resigned. Considering what I go through every day, I shouldn’t call that relief.

All joy has been sucked out of my life; easy comparison, but I feel like I’ve been kissed by a Dementor. (Don’t protest, I’m a huge Harry Potter fan :). I can still get excited about small wonders, like flowers and frogs, but otherwise my landscape is barren. There’s just me in it; I keep walking determinedly on a dry field, but with less conviction at every step. For brief periods of time I think, “this can’t go as wrong as I think,” or “something will work out in the end.” But truly, the most likely way things can go is the waterfall. I’m swinging between chasing the waterfall thought away in a desperate attempt to stay positive, and trying to start planning for the fall. Problem is, accepting that I’m going to eventually get to the waterfall is very hard. Burying my head in the sand is no solution, I know. But I’m afraid that the disaster scenario will come true if I accept it and start planning for it.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to truly enjoy life again.

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