Growing Pains

I know it’s hard for me to relax anyway but because it’s downright impossible to do that at work, I wonder how much it’s me and how much it’s typical of living in another country. I bet 80% is me .

But here’s why. I put so much effort into my job because I have these insane standards that tell me that my foreignness has to be invisible, so I am constantly paying attention to what I do, say, etc. Sure, some of it now comes naturally, but still not all. If I had a job where being a foreigner didn’t matter, I wouldn’t have fretted so much. But I work in communications, where I think it’s absolutely vital that one’s performance be as seamlessly integrated with the others as possible. I cannot let the fact that I’m a non-native speaker be an impediment to doing my job. And don’t get me wrong: I still have an accent and people ask me where I’m from, and that’s totally fine. I have no intention of passing for what I’m not. As long as I use the right words at the right time and I’m on top of things . But it took me a long time to get there and even now, when I know the ropes and I’m very comfortable in the job, I still can’t relax.

You cannot imagine my panic when I saw what I had gotten myself into. Seven years ago, when I decided to pursue this, I had no idea whatsoever about how high standards are and how much I didn’t know. I didn’t even know what I didn’t know. I never thought that what I knew was barely a (shaky) foundation. And when I started to realize I was scared senseless. I felt that I was starting from zero and my name was Sisyphus. You know that funny feeling when your question speaks volumes about what you don’t know? Been there more times than I can remember. I was crushed because it made me feel utterly incompetent and that had never happened to me back home. Ever. It wouldn’t have mattered too much except my livelihood depended on it .

I have to say I was very lucky. Or, rather, that the Universe conspired . There was only one way, and that was forward. My circumstances made it impossible for me to give up but I also never really considered that an option anyway because it would’ve meant giving up on my dream. I was just constantly worried that I wasn’t going to catch up fast enough, I didn’t know where to start, and, honestly, I was afraid to ask questions. Precisely because they showed immediately how much I didn’t know. Of course, looking back, I so wish I had the courage to be dumb and ask questions. But I couldn’t shake the terror of the possible consequences of not knowing.

And then, somehow, the stars aligned and I found extremely knowledgeable people from whom I’ve learned a lot and I am grateful every day for it. I am finally happy with my skills and understanding; still lots to learn but at least I know where I’m going. That’s where the Universe conspired. For all my trying, I felt I was just treading water, the mountain seemed just as high every day, and I was getting nowhere. Or, rather, I was getting desperate. I was wondering jokingly the other day how my blog would’ve looked like if I had started it when I got here. It would have been an abyss of despair.

It’s not the first time the Universe stretched its gracious hand when I needed it most and I think it would be ungrateful of me to stop believing it will continue to do so. But I fret as much as always that maybe that’s it and now I’ll have to find a solution on my own. So far I haven’t and all doors look closed. I hope one of them will open before I hit the waterfall.